Exercise in “Showing Rather than Telling” When Writing a Narrative
Read the following narration about getting to school in the morning.
I got up at 6 a.m.
I got annoyed with the alarm and got hurt when I hit the clock too hard.
I got into the shower.
I got chilled because my sister had used up all of the hot water.
I got dressed.
I got into the kitchen after all the eggs and toast were gone.
I got myself a breakfast of cereal and juice.
I got a stain on my shirt.
I got a different shirt.
I got my stuff together and got it all in my backpack.
I got yelled at by my mother for lagging.
I got irritated by the way the morning was going.
I got in trouble for keeping my carpool waiting.
I got in the backseat of the car with two other people.
We got a ticket for speeding on the way to school.
We got to school late.
I got detention for being late.
I got behind in the assignment given in my first period class.
I got a bad grade on my assignment.
This is a narration no one wants to read. Rewrite it:
· Do not use got at all.
· Vary your sentence length and style.
· Add copious amounts of detail. Show what happened in that car when the policeman flashed his lights in the rear window. Let your reader hear the driver’s response. What was said? Dialogue always helps a story come alive. What did the mom or the sister say? The teacher? You might want to add an interior monologue; what does the narrator say to him or herself? At what point in the story do we know the narrator’s gender? At what point is the voice of the narrator important and when does it emerge and become a significant force in the story? This brief tale is a first person narration. Consider shifting your narrative to the third person and giving your character a name. If you think that would improve the narrative, then write it in the third person.
How to Describe a Place
in a College App Essay If you are applying to the University of California, you need to write two college application essays.
I wrote about how to Describe the World You Come From three years ago, explaining how to think about the first prompt and brainstorm ideas for your essay.
It would help you to read that advice first, then come back.
This time, I want to give you some ideas on how to SHOW the world you decide to write about when describing the setting of your world.
Since in the UC essay your world will be some type of community, I believe you might need to describe where you experienced it. In writing, that’s called the setting.
If you want a powerful essay, you will use descriptive language, sensory details and specific examples to help us see your world.
You can either explain your world, or show it to us. If you show it to us—help us see and experience it along with you—we will find it much more interesting!
And chances are, if we find your world interesting, we (colleges!) also will find you interesting.
I recently discovered a wonderful short writing guide by James Thayer, who does one of the best jobs of teaching how to “show” in writing.
He has one section just about how to show The Setting. (You can download Show or Tell? A Powerful Lesson on a Crucial Writing Skill on Amazon for less than a buck. If you want the golden key to great writing–including your college admissions essays–take ten minutes and read this gem!).
Here are some of his examples of how to Show your setting/world/place instead of simply explaining it (Tell). I’m going to bold the sensory details that help you see, hear, smell and feel the settings.
Also, notice how Thayer also includes some action (things happen) to describe these places, using strong verbs.:
Tell: Rob’s bedroom was a mess.
Show: Rob kicked aside two empty Coke bottles, and swatted an empty pizza box off on his bed. He pushed aside a pile of shirts, then sat down.
* * * Tell: The forest was gorgeous in the autumn.
Show: Aspen leaves had fallen, covering the forest floor in gold.
* * * Tell: Janet had a colorful room. Show: Streamers hung from the chandeliers, and helium balloons rose from every corner. A red and yellow banner read, Happy Birthday. * * * Tell: The house was stark and uninviting. Show: The house was made of unpainted concrete blocks, and the windows didn’t have shutters or shades. * * * Tell: The lawn was dead. Show: The grass rose as high as his knees, and dandelions grew between the paving stones. In his book, Thayer has examples of how to SHOW other parts of writing, which could help you bump up your narrative essay–ranging from showing weather, aches and pains, how people look, reactions, personality and emotions. Did I mention it’s only 99 cents?
Here’s Thayer’s brilliant way to tell the difference between showing and telling:
“What’s the difference between these two sentences?
His arm itches.
He scratched his arm.
The difference is profound, and knowing it will instantly make someone a better writer.”
(In case you are still confused, “His arm itches” is telling and “He scratched his arm” is showing.)
in a College App Essay If you are applying to the University of California, you need to write two college application essays.
I wrote about how to Describe the World You Come From three years ago, explaining how to think about the first prompt and brainstorm ideas for your essay.
It would help you to read that advice first, then come back.
This time, I want to give you some ideas on how to SHOW the world you decide to write about when describing the setting of your world.
Since in the UC essay your world will be some type of community, I believe you might need to describe where you experienced it. In writing, that’s called the setting.
If you want a powerful essay, you will use descriptive language, sensory details and specific examples to help us see your world.
You can either explain your world, or show it to us. If you show it to us—help us see and experience it along with you—we will find it much more interesting!
And chances are, if we find your world interesting, we (colleges!) also will find you interesting.
I recently discovered a wonderful short writing guide by James Thayer, who does one of the best jobs of teaching how to “show” in writing.
He has one section just about how to show The Setting. (You can download Show or Tell? A Powerful Lesson on a Crucial Writing Skill on Amazon for less than a buck. If you want the golden key to great writing–including your college admissions essays–take ten minutes and read this gem!).
Here are some of his examples of how to Show your setting/world/place instead of simply explaining it (Tell). I’m going to bold the sensory details that help you see, hear, smell and feel the settings.
Also, notice how Thayer also includes some action (things happen) to describe these places, using strong verbs.:
Tell: Rob’s bedroom was a mess.
Show: Rob kicked aside two empty Coke bottles, and swatted an empty pizza box off on his bed. He pushed aside a pile of shirts, then sat down.
* * * Tell: The forest was gorgeous in the autumn.
Show: Aspen leaves had fallen, covering the forest floor in gold.
* * * Tell: Janet had a colorful room. Show: Streamers hung from the chandeliers, and helium balloons rose from every corner. A red and yellow banner read, Happy Birthday. * * * Tell: The house was stark and uninviting. Show: The house was made of unpainted concrete blocks, and the windows didn’t have shutters or shades. * * * Tell: The lawn was dead. Show: The grass rose as high as his knees, and dandelions grew between the paving stones. In his book, Thayer has examples of how to SHOW other parts of writing, which could help you bump up your narrative essay–ranging from showing weather, aches and pains, how people look, reactions, personality and emotions. Did I mention it’s only 99 cents?
Here’s Thayer’s brilliant way to tell the difference between showing and telling:
“What’s the difference between these two sentences?
His arm itches.
He scratched his arm.
The difference is profound, and knowing it will instantly make someone a better writer.”
(In case you are still confused, “His arm itches” is telling and “He scratched his arm” is showing.)
Is Homeschooling a Good Topic for College App Essays? By j9robinson On September 20, 2015 · Leave a Comment
How to Find the
Homeschooling Advantage
in College Application Essays I received an email from a student named Hannah who told me she was homeschooled, and that she had been advised to write about that for her college application essay.
Hannah said she was having “trouble thinking of anything unique or super meaningful” from her homeschooling experience.
I gave this some thought, and here’s what I would advise:
Homeschooling is something unique and special in itself.
And that’s a good thing.
But as an essay topic, it’s way too broad and most likely written about by a lot by other homeschooled students, so it risks being overdone already. (More than 3 percent of school age kids are home-schools; more than 1.5 million.)
Continue reading »
Share this: Tagged with: "college admissions essay" • college application essays • common app • common application • Describe a problem you’ve solved or a problem you’d like to solve • describe the world you come from • homeschool • homeschool college • homeschool resources • homeschooling • personal statement • Recount an incident or time when you experienced failure • sample essays • uc essay • University of California Essay • ut essay
Dig Deep: Show Intellectual Vitality in Your College App Essay By j9robinson On September 12, 2015 · Leave a Comment
Go Deep to Reveal Your Intellectual Vitality! When writing narrative-style college application essays, I advise students to start by sharing a real-life story that illustrates one of their defining qualities or characteristics.
Once a student shares a real-life story with a problem (either big or small), they can go on to explain how they handled it.
Then comes the most important part: What they learned in the process.
This analysis, reflection or questioning is the most important part of an effective college application essay.
Why?
How to Find the
Homeschooling Advantage
in College Application Essays I received an email from a student named Hannah who told me she was homeschooled, and that she had been advised to write about that for her college application essay.
Hannah said she was having “trouble thinking of anything unique or super meaningful” from her homeschooling experience.
I gave this some thought, and here’s what I would advise:
Homeschooling is something unique and special in itself.
And that’s a good thing.
But as an essay topic, it’s way too broad and most likely written about by a lot by other homeschooled students, so it risks being overdone already. (More than 3 percent of school age kids are home-schools; more than 1.5 million.)
Continue reading »
Share this: Tagged with: "college admissions essay" • college application essays • common app • common application • Describe a problem you’ve solved or a problem you’d like to solve • describe the world you come from • homeschool • homeschool college • homeschool resources • homeschooling • personal statement • Recount an incident or time when you experienced failure • sample essays • uc essay • University of California Essay • ut essay
Dig Deep: Show Intellectual Vitality in Your College App Essay By j9robinson On September 12, 2015 · Leave a Comment
Go Deep to Reveal Your Intellectual Vitality! When writing narrative-style college application essays, I advise students to start by sharing a real-life story that illustrates one of their defining qualities or characteristics.
Once a student shares a real-life story with a problem (either big or small), they can go on to explain how they handled it.
Then comes the most important part: What they learned in the process.
This analysis, reflection or questioning is the most important part of an effective college application essay.
Why?
Dig Deep: Show Intellectual Vitality in Your College App Essay By j9robinson On September 12, 2015 · Leave a Comment
Go Deep to Reveal Your Intellectual Vitality! When writing narrative-style college application essays, I advise students to start by sharing a real-life story that illustrates one of their defining qualities or characteristics.
Once a student shares a real-life story with a problem (either big or small), they can go on to explain how they handled it.
Then comes the most important part: What they learned in the process.
This analysis, reflection or questioning is the most important part of an effective college application essay.
Why?
Because this is where a student can show colleges how they think, what they care about and what they value.
It’s called “intellectual vitality.”
I wrote an essay writing guide last year, the Writing Survival Kit, where I shared 50 tips, techniques and strategies for writing these essays.
I want to share with my tips on how to bring intellectual vitality into your essay.
Here’s an excerpt from my guide that features one hot strategy on how to bring this depth into your essay (I featured a second strategy in my previous post):
Chapter Six
DIG DEEP
In your narrative essay, you share something that happened, usually with an anecdote.
Now you need to help the reader understand why it mattered to you.
These writing tools will help you explore and explain in your essay the meaning of what happened.
This will give your essay depth and show the reader how you think, and your ability to analyze and reflect.
Reveal Your Intellectual Vitality
Once you pick a point you want to make about yourself, and have found an anecdote to illustrate that point, you need to explain why it matters. To you. To others. And to the world in general.
Once you start to share your thoughts about what happened, you can take your points even deeper by asking “Why?”
Take a look at some of the points you have made in your rough draft, and ask yourself:
Remember, you don’t need all the right answers for these questions. Just offer your thoughts, ideas or best guesses. In general, these essays are a way to throw out some ideas, chew on them, kick them around, examine them from different angles and come up with conclusions.
The ability to take a simple incident or personal quality and examine and analyze it to find meaning reveals what is called “intellectual vitality.” It’s a sophisticated way to say thinking— and the best colleges can’t get enough of it.
See my other strategy from this chapter on how to bring depth to your essay.
Note: For those of you applying to Stanford, this can help you answer their first supplemental essay:
“Stanford students possess an intellectual vitality. Reflect on an idea or experience that has been important to your intellectual development.” 250 words
Go Deep to Reveal Your Intellectual Vitality! When writing narrative-style college application essays, I advise students to start by sharing a real-life story that illustrates one of their defining qualities or characteristics.
Once a student shares a real-life story with a problem (either big or small), they can go on to explain how they handled it.
Then comes the most important part: What they learned in the process.
This analysis, reflection or questioning is the most important part of an effective college application essay.
Why?
Because this is where a student can show colleges how they think, what they care about and what they value.
It’s called “intellectual vitality.”
I wrote an essay writing guide last year, the Writing Survival Kit, where I shared 50 tips, techniques and strategies for writing these essays.
I want to share with my tips on how to bring intellectual vitality into your essay.
Here’s an excerpt from my guide that features one hot strategy on how to bring this depth into your essay (I featured a second strategy in my previous post):
Chapter Six
DIG DEEP
In your narrative essay, you share something that happened, usually with an anecdote.
Now you need to help the reader understand why it mattered to you.
These writing tools will help you explore and explain in your essay the meaning of what happened.
This will give your essay depth and show the reader how you think, and your ability to analyze and reflect.
Reveal Your Intellectual Vitality
Once you pick a point you want to make about yourself, and have found an anecdote to illustrate that point, you need to explain why it matters. To you. To others. And to the world in general.
Once you start to share your thoughts about what happened, you can take your points even deeper by asking “Why?”
Take a look at some of the points you have made in your rough draft, and ask yourself:
- “What about it?”
- “Why should you care?”
- “And that means what?”
- “Is that important?”
- “Why does it matter?”
- “How did it get that way?”
- “Why is that?”
Remember, you don’t need all the right answers for these questions. Just offer your thoughts, ideas or best guesses. In general, these essays are a way to throw out some ideas, chew on them, kick them around, examine them from different angles and come up with conclusions.
The ability to take a simple incident or personal quality and examine and analyze it to find meaning reveals what is called “intellectual vitality.” It’s a sophisticated way to say thinking— and the best colleges can’t get enough of it.
See my other strategy from this chapter on how to bring depth to your essay.
Note: For those of you applying to Stanford, this can help you answer their first supplemental essay:
“Stanford students possess an intellectual vitality. Reflect on an idea or experience that has been important to your intellectual development.” 250 words
Do You Undermine Yourself with Words? By j9robinson On April 16, 2015 · 1 Comment Photo Via Goop
This might seem random, but I found some powerful writing advice on the blog of Gwyneth Paltrow that I believe is relevant to students writing their college application essays, and others, especially women.
The woman Paltrow recently featured in her blog, Goop, had some opinions about how women have unconscious habits in their speech and writing that cause them to come across as less confident and competent. And they hit me hard. When I thought about it, I was surprised how my lingering insecurities and self-esteem issues still creep into my writing, and even how I talk. So I thought you might would find them interesting, too.
Tara Mohr has written a book, Playing Big, about how women can “step into their power” by breaking certain patterns that self-sabotage their success. Here are some examples she shared in a recent interview on Goop. I am guilty of ALL of these (notice my strike outs in this post!), and think you should check your own habits when it comes to communicating about yourself, especially in your college admissions essays):
Here are some of the “little things” women do in speech and writing that aren’t really “little.” In fact, they have a huge impact in causing us to come across as less competent and confident:
I don’t know how many times on this blog I have used the word “just,” and actually try to edit them out. Or how many times I have said, “I’m not an expert, but…” Wow! Hey, I know my stuff, and I need to stop apologizing for it. And you should, too. Especially when writing your college application essays because you are writing about yourself—so how can you be wrong about what you have to say?
So, ladies, and anyone else with a tendency to subordinate yourself for whatever reason when you communicate, let’s try to cut this out. (One possible exception: When writing college application essays, students sometimes need to tout their accomplishments and use qualifiers to make sure they still come across as humble. “I might not be the best swimmer, but that day I won the most important race.” I think this is okay.)
Here are a couple other empowering quotes from Ms. Mohr:
“Most women are unconsciously using these speech habits to soften our communications, to try to ensure we don’t get labeled—as women often do—as bitchy, aggressive, or abrasive.”
and this
“In our culture, an outspoken, confident woman is probably not going to be liked by everyone all the time.”
I think I might have to will buy her book!
This might seem random, but I found some powerful writing advice on the blog of Gwyneth Paltrow that I believe is relevant to students writing their college application essays, and others, especially women.
The woman Paltrow recently featured in her blog, Goop, had some opinions about how women have unconscious habits in their speech and writing that cause them to come across as less confident and competent. And they hit me hard. When I thought about it, I was surprised how my lingering insecurities and self-esteem issues still creep into my writing, and even how I talk. So I thought you might would find them interesting, too.
Tara Mohr has written a book, Playing Big, about how women can “step into their power” by breaking certain patterns that self-sabotage their success. Here are some examples she shared in a recent interview on Goop. I am guilty of ALL of these (notice my strike outs in this post!), and think you should check your own habits when it comes to communicating about yourself, especially in your college admissions essays):
Here are some of the “little things” women do in speech and writing that aren’t really “little.” In fact, they have a huge impact in causing us to come across as less competent and confident:
- Inserting just: “I just want to check in and see…” “I just think…” Just tends to make us sound a little apologetic and defensive about what we’re saying. Think about the difference between the sound of “I just want to check in and see…” and “I want to check in and see…” or the difference between “I just think” and “I think…”
- Inserting actually: “I actually disagree…” “I actually have a question.” It actually makes us sound surprised that we disagree or have a question—not good!
- Using qualifiers: “I’m no expert in this, but…” or “I know you all have been researching this for a long time, but…” undermines your position before you’ve even stated your opinion.
- Asking, “Does that make sense?” or “Am I making sense?”: I used to do this all the time. We do it with good intentions: We want to check in with the other people in the conversation and make sure we’ve been clear. The problem is, “does that make sense” comes across either as condescending (like your audience can’t understand) or it implies you feel you’ve been incoherent.A better way to close is something like “I look forward to hearing your thoughts.” You can leave it up to the other party to let you know if they are confused about something, rather than implying that you “didn’t make sense.”
I don’t know how many times on this blog I have used the word “just,” and actually try to edit them out. Or how many times I have said, “I’m not an expert, but…” Wow! Hey, I know my stuff, and I need to stop apologizing for it. And you should, too. Especially when writing your college application essays because you are writing about yourself—so how can you be wrong about what you have to say?
So, ladies, and anyone else with a tendency to subordinate yourself for whatever reason when you communicate, let’s try to cut this out. (One possible exception: When writing college application essays, students sometimes need to tout their accomplishments and use qualifiers to make sure they still come across as humble. “I might not be the best swimmer, but that day I won the most important race.” I think this is okay.)
Here are a couple other empowering quotes from Ms. Mohr:
“Most women are unconsciously using these speech habits to soften our communications, to try to ensure we don’t get labeled—as women often do—as bitchy, aggressive, or abrasive.”
and this
“In our culture, an outspoken, confident woman is probably not going to be liked by everyone all the time.”
I think I might have to will buy her book!
