A Better Way to Deal With Control Issues inShare2,562
When thinking about control issues, there's a simple starting point: everyone is happier being in control and more unhappy being out of control. The reason for this goes back to how your body operates. Its normal state is homeostasis, or dynamic balance. Homeostasis is like being a runner on second base in a baseball game. The runner has a stable place to stand while he watches the next pitch, but at the same time he is poised for action. Homeostasis works the same way. Your body exists in a stable place while at the same time being poised to go into action.
Being in control, then, has two sides. You feel stable, well within your comfort zone, but you also feel ready to meet challenges and opportunities as they arise. Preserving such a state keeps you in control at all times. Yet even though our bodies want to preserve homeostasis, and we psychologically want to be in control, all kinds of things work against us. Here are the major influences that throw off the whole control mechanism.
To be in control, you must eliminate or minimize these things, and that has become increasingly hard to do. Consider how you feel at the airport waiting for a flight. Typically, it's not certain that your plane will take off on time, or at all. Weather and mechanical problems are unpredictable. It's frustrating that you have no ability to change the situation or escape it. The atmosphere often contains a degree of tension and resentment. All of this creates mounting stress.
But normal working conditions can create the same sense of losing control. Others can tell us what to do, and if your boss makes arbitrary decisions, unpredictability enters the picture. There are frustrations, large and small, because no one at work is completely autonomous, or free to do what they really want to do. On-the-job stress goes with the territory that's why so many people dream of running their own business. No matter how difficult being self-employed turns out to be, it offers an opportunity to feel that you are in control.
But you can do a lot to stay in control if you take a better approach to your control issues. Look at them from the viewpoint of your body, which wants to stay in balance while remaining poised to act. From this vantage point, the do's and don’ts are more clear cut.
These don'ts should carry no surprise, since they are based on the most basic psychological truism - each one leads to greater unhappiness and frustration, which are the opposite of being in control. In the same vein, the things you need to do are aimed at making your existence freer and more balanced.
If this list of do's seems like too much work, you are already out of control, because everything on the list is what comes naturally to mind and body when they are in balance. Homeostasis is the simplest, easiest, most natural way to exist. It takes effort to keep yourself out of balance, which unfortunately has become the new norm. We push ourselves, ignore our body's signals of discomfort, sleep too little, eat too much or at irregular times, and pride ourselves on how much stress we can take on.
In reality, you aren't in control just because you're free to make bad choices. Control depends on a sound foundation in mind and body, a state that makes you feel secure, centered, alert, and ready for whatever comes next. Once you realize this fact, you are in a position to take a much better approach to the whole complex issue of being in control.
When thinking about control issues, there's a simple starting point: everyone is happier being in control and more unhappy being out of control. The reason for this goes back to how your body operates. Its normal state is homeostasis, or dynamic balance. Homeostasis is like being a runner on second base in a baseball game. The runner has a stable place to stand while he watches the next pitch, but at the same time he is poised for action. Homeostasis works the same way. Your body exists in a stable place while at the same time being poised to go into action.
Being in control, then, has two sides. You feel stable, well within your comfort zone, but you also feel ready to meet challenges and opportunities as they arise. Preserving such a state keeps you in control at all times. Yet even though our bodies want to preserve homeostasis, and we psychologically want to be in control, all kinds of things work against us. Here are the major influences that throw off the whole control mechanism.
- Stress, which forces the body to go into emergency mode, disrupting normal homeostasis.
- Unpredictability, which creates a state of tense vigilance waiting for the unexpected to happen.
- Negative emotions like hostility, resentment, and anxiety.
- Frustration, which limits your freedom to act and react.
To be in control, you must eliminate or minimize these things, and that has become increasingly hard to do. Consider how you feel at the airport waiting for a flight. Typically, it's not certain that your plane will take off on time, or at all. Weather and mechanical problems are unpredictable. It's frustrating that you have no ability to change the situation or escape it. The atmosphere often contains a degree of tension and resentment. All of this creates mounting stress.
But normal working conditions can create the same sense of losing control. Others can tell us what to do, and if your boss makes arbitrary decisions, unpredictability enters the picture. There are frustrations, large and small, because no one at work is completely autonomous, or free to do what they really want to do. On-the-job stress goes with the territory that's why so many people dream of running their own business. No matter how difficult being self-employed turns out to be, it offers an opportunity to feel that you are in control.
But you can do a lot to stay in control if you take a better approach to your control issues. Look at them from the viewpoint of your body, which wants to stay in balance while remaining poised to act. From this vantage point, the do's and don’ts are more clear cut.
- Don't shut out the stress that is throwing you out of balance.
- Don't shut down emotionally. Your body always knows if you are angry, anxious, or resentful, and it reacts negatively in various ways.
- Don't go passive and slack. This only makes mind and body become dull, reducing your ability to act when the time for actin arises.
- Don't become a control freak, someone who is critical, demanding, a perfectionist who constantly finds fault. Control freaks are trying to clamp down on externals while ignoring the real problem, which is inside themselves.
- Don't become a slave to rigid routines and ways of thinking. Rigidity feels like control but turns out to be lonely, isolating, and a cause of stress for those who interact with you.
- Don't mistake control for harsh self-discipline or dominating others.
These don'ts should carry no surprise, since they are based on the most basic psychological truism - each one leads to greater unhappiness and frustration, which are the opposite of being in control. In the same vein, the things you need to do are aimed at making your existence freer and more balanced.
- Look carefully at the daily stresses in your life and address them.
- Examine if you are adding to the stress in your surroundings. If so, take steps to put an end to it.
- Be aware of your feelings, especially the negative ones, and take active steps to improve them.
- Follow a routine that keeps your body in a healthy state of balance, which means at a minimum adequate sleep, regular meals, and avoiding toxins like alcohol and tobacco.
- Be active. Mild physical activity at least once an hour, such as standing up and stretching, has been shown to keep the body in a state of homeostasis.
- Recognize the frustrations you face and do what it takes to resolve them.
If this list of do's seems like too much work, you are already out of control, because everything on the list is what comes naturally to mind and body when they are in balance. Homeostasis is the simplest, easiest, most natural way to exist. It takes effort to keep yourself out of balance, which unfortunately has become the new norm. We push ourselves, ignore our body's signals of discomfort, sleep too little, eat too much or at irregular times, and pride ourselves on how much stress we can take on.
In reality, you aren't in control just because you're free to make bad choices. Control depends on a sound foundation in mind and body, a state that makes you feel secure, centered, alert, and ready for whatever comes next. Once you realize this fact, you are in a position to take a much better approach to the whole complex issue of being in control.
The Secret Key to Success and Failure - "You" inShare7,558
Aspiration is the greatest ally anyone can have in their rise to success. It gives "you" a reason to move forward despite obstacles and setbacks. But why put "you" in quotation marks? Because there is more than one you to consider. Human beings have divided natures. As pointed out by Plato two millennia ago when he compared the soul to a chariot being pulled upward by a white horse and downward by a black horse. Depending on which horse you encourage, your personal fate is in your hands.
Setting aside a loaded word like soul, everyone has a choice to write their own story. In fact, every decision you make represents a stroke of the pen, so to speak, leading the main character - "you" - to the next stage of the narrative. "You" therefore is a creation. No one has a fixed identity, one bestowed at birth or in early childhood. Each person is open to revision as their story unfolds.
When you step back and ask "Who am I?" the author is looking at his creation. The process of building a self is a creative act. Even if you blame the outside world for your problems, even if you bemoan your bad luck or wish you had a missing X factor to improve your lot (more money, better parents, an Ivy League diploma), these thoughts also become part of your story. Mysteriously, the self is self-created. No one is exempt from this truth.
Which leads us back to aspirations. The "you" that has the greatest chance for success is driven by higher aspirations. The "you" that has no aspirations is very likely to fall short. Look at the difference between them:
Aspirational "You"
- is curious, open-minded, and eager for new experiences
- finds motivation from within
- wants to be self-sufficient
- speaks his own truth
- has inspiring role models
- feels attached to a higher purpose
"You" without aspirations
- looks out for number one and therefore feels insecure
- fears loss and is greedy for gain
- measures itself by external rewards (money, possessions, status, power)
- is reluctant to trust
- takes a defensive and self-protective stance
- has no higher values except self-interest
Even though I've described the aspirational "you" as more desirable than the "you" without aspirations, there's a great deal of social pressure to think the opposite. In a "greed is good" ethos, the value of self-interest gets promoted in two ways. First, it's supposedly the stance of winners, defined as overachieving, ruthless competitors. Second, if you don't defend your self-interest, nobody else will. Does anyone want to be idealistic, soft, compliant, and non-competitive?
If you answer no, you are letting externals define your attitude, because there is nothing soft about having aspirations (consult the biographies of Mahatma Gandhi and Dr. Martin Luther King), and keeping true to your aspirations is the opposite of being compliant. Defining the game as an either-or between winning and losing betrays the complexity of the life stories we all write every day. Moments of winning catch the spotlight. Outside the spotlight are years and decades of challenges, the main challenge being how to build a self that stands for who "you" really are.
In my own experience - and as a teacher of leadership skills - the most successful people are aspirational. They define their success in inner terms. They refuse to be bad actors in both senses of the word - bad at acting the roles assigned to them and bad in their personal behavior. In a society propelled by advertising, mass media, competition, and dynamic change, the temptation to run with the pack is strong, and the pack is always running for external rewards. And the pack gives you an easy identity as "one of us." For all that, your life story has only one author, and its main character only one source. A "you" without aspirations will never be worthy of the possibilities that are hidden within.
Aspiration is the greatest ally anyone can have in their rise to success. It gives "you" a reason to move forward despite obstacles and setbacks. But why put "you" in quotation marks? Because there is more than one you to consider. Human beings have divided natures. As pointed out by Plato two millennia ago when he compared the soul to a chariot being pulled upward by a white horse and downward by a black horse. Depending on which horse you encourage, your personal fate is in your hands.
Setting aside a loaded word like soul, everyone has a choice to write their own story. In fact, every decision you make represents a stroke of the pen, so to speak, leading the main character - "you" - to the next stage of the narrative. "You" therefore is a creation. No one has a fixed identity, one bestowed at birth or in early childhood. Each person is open to revision as their story unfolds.
When you step back and ask "Who am I?" the author is looking at his creation. The process of building a self is a creative act. Even if you blame the outside world for your problems, even if you bemoan your bad luck or wish you had a missing X factor to improve your lot (more money, better parents, an Ivy League diploma), these thoughts also become part of your story. Mysteriously, the self is self-created. No one is exempt from this truth.
Which leads us back to aspirations. The "you" that has the greatest chance for success is driven by higher aspirations. The "you" that has no aspirations is very likely to fall short. Look at the difference between them:
Aspirational "You"
- is curious, open-minded, and eager for new experiences
- finds motivation from within
- wants to be self-sufficient
- speaks his own truth
- has inspiring role models
- feels attached to a higher purpose
"You" without aspirations
- looks out for number one and therefore feels insecure
- fears loss and is greedy for gain
- measures itself by external rewards (money, possessions, status, power)
- is reluctant to trust
- takes a defensive and self-protective stance
- has no higher values except self-interest
Even though I've described the aspirational "you" as more desirable than the "you" without aspirations, there's a great deal of social pressure to think the opposite. In a "greed is good" ethos, the value of self-interest gets promoted in two ways. First, it's supposedly the stance of winners, defined as overachieving, ruthless competitors. Second, if you don't defend your self-interest, nobody else will. Does anyone want to be idealistic, soft, compliant, and non-competitive?
If you answer no, you are letting externals define your attitude, because there is nothing soft about having aspirations (consult the biographies of Mahatma Gandhi and Dr. Martin Luther King), and keeping true to your aspirations is the opposite of being compliant. Defining the game as an either-or between winning and losing betrays the complexity of the life stories we all write every day. Moments of winning catch the spotlight. Outside the spotlight are years and decades of challenges, the main challenge being how to build a self that stands for who "you" really are.
In my own experience - and as a teacher of leadership skills - the most successful people are aspirational. They define their success in inner terms. They refuse to be bad actors in both senses of the word - bad at acting the roles assigned to them and bad in their personal behavior. In a society propelled by advertising, mass media, competition, and dynamic change, the temptation to run with the pack is strong, and the pack is always running for external rewards. And the pack gives you an easy identity as "one of us." For all that, your life story has only one author, and its main character only one source. A "you" without aspirations will never be worthy of the possibilities that are hidden within.
The fact that motivational courses have flourished for decades means that people want to be more motivated. At the moment there are increasing reasons to feel exhausted, unmotivated, and eventually burned out. Motivation is decreased by stress and pressure, by economic insecurity, by overwork, and so on. Many people feel subject to these things, especially in an economic downturn. So what's the best way to remain motivated, and if you are in a position of leadership, to motivate others?There are two kinds of answers, internal and external, which comes down to psychological motivation versus changing the conditions surrounding your work. For the most part people are skittish about psychology, which they consider mysterious and unreliable, so it's no surprise that the biggest motivator one encounters is money - to get someone more motivated, you offer a bigger carrot. Promotions are also a favorite, but both of these motivators have a drawback. They unmotivate the workers who get passed over. In today's business climate, where the top salaries of CEOs have quadrupled over the past two decades while lower-level workers have barely seen an increase, unmotivation is tied into resentment of the haves by the have nots.
There are good external motivators, however, of the kind popularized by idealistic workplaces like Google where various amenities have been made available, from exercise facilities and child care to company transportation to work. But again, as with big raises and promotions, these workplaces at the moment benefit only the few.
Which leaves us with internal, or psychological motivation. As it turns out, the least effective of these are the high-powered pep talks delivered by motivational courses, because the jolt of enthusiasm that they deliver wears off, and usually sooner rather than later. Fortunately, there are excellent psychological motivators that last much longer, and the best ones very effectively prevent burn-out. Here's a list of proven motivators:
Seven Major Motivators
1. Having your work be noticed and appreciated.
2. Setting long-term goals that lead to satisfying results.
3. Doing work that you are passionate about.
4. Feeling that your bosses are loyal to you.
5. Open communications between workers and managers.
6. Feeling that you have job security.
7. Mastering a skill.
As you can see, none of these motivators are specialized - any job could have them. If you can't check at least five off the list as it applies to your work situation, you need to make a change. The biggest unmotivator, in my experience, is low expectations. People don't ask enough from themselves and the life they lead. Consider the opposite of these seven motivators, which would be a job where your work is mostly taken for granted, you don't know what your bosses think about the future, you see a lot of layoffs, and the work you do requires no special skill. Unfortunately, countless workers endure jobs that fit this description.
Life evolves when you set higher aspirations for yourself. In the field of motivation, the highest level is inspiration, the best motivator of all. When people are inspired, they are willing to undergo trials, setbacks, and discomforts because they have such a strong belief in what they're doing. Whatever you might think of religious missionaries, Arctic explorers, and sailors who cross the Atlantic single-handedly, their aspiration gives them endurance, courage, and the ability to overcome hardships. To be motivated by inspiration involves the following:
How to Be Inspired
1. Have a role model or hero.
2. Believe in higher values like courage and altruism.
3. Identify with a religion or spiritual movement.
4. Find an inspiring mentor.
5. Shift your allegiance to a higher power that represents your vision of human destiny.
I know that these sound like lofty ideals, but in every age there is enough inspiration to keep human ideals alive. Sometimes these invisible aspirations give rise to concrete expression, as in the great cathedrals or Europe. Sometimes they inspire religious communities or a movement like the New England Transcendentalists. But the greatest impact of inspiration is always personal. It comes down to one person at a time wanting to aspire to something greater than themselves. In the end, the wide range of psychological and spiritual motivations gives you many possibilities to explore beyond waiting and hoping for a Christmas bonus.
There are good external motivators, however, of the kind popularized by idealistic workplaces like Google where various amenities have been made available, from exercise facilities and child care to company transportation to work. But again, as with big raises and promotions, these workplaces at the moment benefit only the few.
Which leaves us with internal, or psychological motivation. As it turns out, the least effective of these are the high-powered pep talks delivered by motivational courses, because the jolt of enthusiasm that they deliver wears off, and usually sooner rather than later. Fortunately, there are excellent psychological motivators that last much longer, and the best ones very effectively prevent burn-out. Here's a list of proven motivators:
Seven Major Motivators
1. Having your work be noticed and appreciated.
2. Setting long-term goals that lead to satisfying results.
3. Doing work that you are passionate about.
4. Feeling that your bosses are loyal to you.
5. Open communications between workers and managers.
6. Feeling that you have job security.
7. Mastering a skill.
As you can see, none of these motivators are specialized - any job could have them. If you can't check at least five off the list as it applies to your work situation, you need to make a change. The biggest unmotivator, in my experience, is low expectations. People don't ask enough from themselves and the life they lead. Consider the opposite of these seven motivators, which would be a job where your work is mostly taken for granted, you don't know what your bosses think about the future, you see a lot of layoffs, and the work you do requires no special skill. Unfortunately, countless workers endure jobs that fit this description.
Life evolves when you set higher aspirations for yourself. In the field of motivation, the highest level is inspiration, the best motivator of all. When people are inspired, they are willing to undergo trials, setbacks, and discomforts because they have such a strong belief in what they're doing. Whatever you might think of religious missionaries, Arctic explorers, and sailors who cross the Atlantic single-handedly, their aspiration gives them endurance, courage, and the ability to overcome hardships. To be motivated by inspiration involves the following:
How to Be Inspired
1. Have a role model or hero.
2. Believe in higher values like courage and altruism.
3. Identify with a religion or spiritual movement.
4. Find an inspiring mentor.
5. Shift your allegiance to a higher power that represents your vision of human destiny.
I know that these sound like lofty ideals, but in every age there is enough inspiration to keep human ideals alive. Sometimes these invisible aspirations give rise to concrete expression, as in the great cathedrals or Europe. Sometimes they inspire religious communities or a movement like the New England Transcendentalists. But the greatest impact of inspiration is always personal. It comes down to one person at a time wanting to aspire to something greater than themselves. In the end, the wide range of psychological and spiritual motivations gives you many possibilities to explore beyond waiting and hoping for a Christmas bonus.
Deepak Chopra:
How I Hire: Look Into an Applicant's Soul
Since my life's work has always focused on self-awareness and well being, I have made those two attributes the criterion for people I want to work with. In my course, The Soul of Leadership, I advise employers not only to get references and bios from prospective employees, but also to engage with them before hiring in creating a "Soul Profile". Here are the questions that we ask when we create a soul profile:
1. What makes you joyful? Can you recall the most joyous moments of your life?
2. What is your life purpose?
3. In what way do you want to contribute to the business or organization?
4. What are your unique talents and skills and who would benefit from them?
5. Who are your heroes/heroines/mentors in history, mythology, religion or contemporary times?
6. What are the qualities you look for in a good friendship?
7. What are the best attributes that you have that contribute to a meaningful relationship?
Asking a person to write down two or three words or phrases in answer to each of these questions gives both them and you an idea of the meanings, the context, the relationships, and the archetypal themes in their life. It also is an expression of their deeper core consciousness and what drives their passion and their vision. The key to a successful business or organization is the creation of dynamic teams where a) there is a shared vision, b) people acknowledge and complement each other strengths (as in a sports team), c) everyone is emotionally bonded and cares for each other. Such teams, between 5-12 people take time to form, but guarantee success.
In my view, focusing only on professional skills can lead to problems. In many instances technical skills can frequently be outsourced adequately. However, what makes an organization or business successful are core values, qualities of character, vision, purpose, camaraderie, and joy. And these cannot be outsourced.
In addition, I am realizing more and more that addiction to distraction is becoming a hazard in the workplace. Employees who have an interest in personal growth including practices like mindfulness and focused awareness are not only healthier, but contribute to the well being of an organization/business. It is becoming clear now that multitasking is the one skill that gets worse with practice and may indeed be harmful to our cortical brain. In an information-based society, information overload can actually be a hazard. Information overload cost US businesses about 28% of their knowledge workers’ day and up to $1 trillion dollars in lowered productivity. This, in a nation where the gross domestic product, is about $15 trillion dollars. We pay a huge price in productivity and well being for addiction to technologies, distractions, and mindlessness instead of mindfulness. If as an employer you are aware that the well being of your employees includes the following you will be enormously successful as a business/organization.
1. Career wellbeing - make sure that employees enjoy what they do; acknowledge their strengths and make their opinions count.
2. Social well being - encourage friendships, camaraderie, and celebration in the workplace.
3. Provide encouragement and facilities if possible for meditation, exercise and recreation.
4. Encourage employees in the well-being of their communities.
5. Make sure that employees feel safe financially; help create plans for savings and adequate insurance.
The above suggestions are gathered from data over several years at The Gallup Organization where I serve as a senior scientist. While the above recommendations are not exactly about how to hire people, when people find out that those criteria are important to your business and organization, then the right kind of employees will be attracted to your business/organization.
Remember that your own personal well-being, and how you model that in your life, will attract the right people to you.
Recent research as outlined above is the best predictor of long-term employee engagement and the success of an organization/business/community.
How I Hire: Look Into an Applicant's Soul
Since my life's work has always focused on self-awareness and well being, I have made those two attributes the criterion for people I want to work with. In my course, The Soul of Leadership, I advise employers not only to get references and bios from prospective employees, but also to engage with them before hiring in creating a "Soul Profile". Here are the questions that we ask when we create a soul profile:
1. What makes you joyful? Can you recall the most joyous moments of your life?
2. What is your life purpose?
3. In what way do you want to contribute to the business or organization?
4. What are your unique talents and skills and who would benefit from them?
5. Who are your heroes/heroines/mentors in history, mythology, religion or contemporary times?
6. What are the qualities you look for in a good friendship?
7. What are the best attributes that you have that contribute to a meaningful relationship?
Asking a person to write down two or three words or phrases in answer to each of these questions gives both them and you an idea of the meanings, the context, the relationships, and the archetypal themes in their life. It also is an expression of their deeper core consciousness and what drives their passion and their vision. The key to a successful business or organization is the creation of dynamic teams where a) there is a shared vision, b) people acknowledge and complement each other strengths (as in a sports team), c) everyone is emotionally bonded and cares for each other. Such teams, between 5-12 people take time to form, but guarantee success.
In my view, focusing only on professional skills can lead to problems. In many instances technical skills can frequently be outsourced adequately. However, what makes an organization or business successful are core values, qualities of character, vision, purpose, camaraderie, and joy. And these cannot be outsourced.
In addition, I am realizing more and more that addiction to distraction is becoming a hazard in the workplace. Employees who have an interest in personal growth including practices like mindfulness and focused awareness are not only healthier, but contribute to the well being of an organization/business. It is becoming clear now that multitasking is the one skill that gets worse with practice and may indeed be harmful to our cortical brain. In an information-based society, information overload can actually be a hazard. Information overload cost US businesses about 28% of their knowledge workers’ day and up to $1 trillion dollars in lowered productivity. This, in a nation where the gross domestic product, is about $15 trillion dollars. We pay a huge price in productivity and well being for addiction to technologies, distractions, and mindlessness instead of mindfulness. If as an employer you are aware that the well being of your employees includes the following you will be enormously successful as a business/organization.
1. Career wellbeing - make sure that employees enjoy what they do; acknowledge their strengths and make their opinions count.
2. Social well being - encourage friendships, camaraderie, and celebration in the workplace.
3. Provide encouragement and facilities if possible for meditation, exercise and recreation.
4. Encourage employees in the well-being of their communities.
5. Make sure that employees feel safe financially; help create plans for savings and adequate insurance.
The above suggestions are gathered from data over several years at The Gallup Organization where I serve as a senior scientist. While the above recommendations are not exactly about how to hire people, when people find out that those criteria are important to your business and organization, then the right kind of employees will be attracted to your business/organization.
Remember that your own personal well-being, and how you model that in your life, will attract the right people to you.
Recent research as outlined above is the best predictor of long-term employee engagement and the success of an organization/business/community.
