10 Habits of Remarkably Polite People BY Jeff Haden @jeff_haden Go beyond good manners to make an incredible first, and lasting, impression. 1.8k SHARES Occasionally, we meet a person who stands out in the best possible way. He might be remarkably charismatic. She might think remarkable thoughts. And remarkably giving people--they are impossible to ignore.
If you develop those traits, you won't just be likable; those traits will make people want to work with you and do business with you.
That's also why we love being around genuinely polite people. (Not fake polite--sincere polite.) They make us feel comfortable. They make us feel respected and valuable. We would love to be more like them.
And we love doing business with them.
Here's how remarkably polite people do it:
1. They always step forward. You're at a party. A friend gestures to someone several steps away and says, "Let me introduce you to Bob." Bob sees you coming.
And he stands there, waiting for you to come to him in some weird power move.
Remarkably polite people, no matter how great their perceived status, step forward, smile, tilt their head slightly downward (a sign of respect in every culture), and act as if they are the one honored by the introduction, not you.
(When I met Mark Cuban, that is exactly what he did. He heard I wanted to meet him and immediately walked across the room--where I was waiting to see if it would be OK--to say hello. The fact I remember how gracious he was tells you everything you need to know about the impression he made.)
In short, polite people never big-time you; instead, they always make you feel big time.
2. They keep using the name you used to introduce yourself. You're at an event. You introduce yourself to me as Jonathan. We talk. Within minutes, I'm calling you John. Or Johnny. Or Jack. Or the J-man.
Maybe your friends call you J-man, but we're not friends (yet), and you definitely haven't given me permission to go full diminutive on you, much less full nickname.
Remarkably polite people wait to be asked to use a different, more familiar name. They call you what you asked--or later ask--to be called because it's your right to be addressed in the way you wish to be addressed.
[close X]AdvertisementClick Here to Learn More Anything less would be uncivilized.
3. They don't touch unless they are touched first. (Handshakes excluded, of course.)
Polite people wait for the other person to establish the nonsexual touch guidelines.
While I know that sounds like no one will ever hug or pat a shoulder or forearm because no one can ever go first, don't worry. Huggers hug. Patters pat. Backslappers slap. That's what they do.
Remarkably polite people go a step further: They never pat or squeeze or slap (in a good way), even if they are patted or squeezed or slapped. Sure, they hug back, but they don't reciprocate other forms of touch.
Why? Some people don't even realize they're touching you, but they definitely notice when you touch them. That makes them feel uncomfortable, and discomfort is the last way polite people want other people to feel.
4. They never let on they know more than they should. Some people share incessantly on social media. And maybe you occasionally see what they've been up to.
But polite people don't bring those things up. They talk about sports, they talk about the weather, they talk about how The Walking Dead is a metaphor for life in corporate America, but they only talk about personal subjects the other person actually discloses in person.
Maybe it seems like the person wants everyone to know about a personal subject, but in fact that's rarely the case. So unless his or her social media broadcasts were specifically directed to you, always wait.
5. They never ignore the elephants. An acquaintance's mom died a few weeks ago. You see him, and you're not sure whether to bring it up.
Remarkably polite people always bring it up. They keep it simple, like, "I was sorry to hear about your mother. I've been thinking about you and am hoping you're doing OK."
Awkward? Absolutely not. You've expressed your condolences (which you should), and now you can both move on: Your friend is no longer wondering if and when you might mention it, and you are no longer wondering whether you should.
Where relationships are concerned, the best elephant is a dead elephant.
6. They never gossip--or listen to gossip. It's hard to resist the inside scoop. Finding out the reasons behind someone's decisions, the motivations behind someone's actions, the skinny behind someone's hidden agenda--much less whether Liam is really dating Jeannette from marketing--those conversations are hard to resist.
Remarkably polite people know gossiping about other people makes you wonder what they're saying about you. In fact, when someone starts to talk about someone else, polite people excuse themselves and walk away. They don't worry that they will lose a gossiper's respect; anyone willing to gossip doesn't respect other people anyway.
If you want to share the inside scoop, talk openly about your own thoughts or feelings--then you're not gossiping, you're being genuine. That's what polite people do. But at the same time...
7. They never speak just to share the greater glory of themselves. How can you tell? If you're talking about something just because it feels really good to share it, and there's no place for the other person to add value, you're just patting yourself on the back.
When remarkably polite people want to talk about themselves, they ask for advice--but not humblebrag advice like, "I notice you keep your car really clean; what wax do you recommend for a Porsche?"
Ask a question that shows you truly value the other person's expertise or knowledge. The person will feel good, because you implicitly show you trust his or her opinion; you actually get input you can use. Win-win.
And totally polite.
8. They never push their opinions. We all know things. Cool things. Great things.
Just make sure you share those things in the right settings. If you're a mentor, share away. If you're a coach or a leader, share away. If you're the guy who just started a paleo diet, don't tell us all what to order unless we ask.
Remarkably polite people know that what is right for them might not be right for others--and even if it is right, it is not their place to decide that for you.
Like most things in life, offering helpful advice is all about picking the right spot--and polite people know the right spot is always after you are asked.
They never judge.
They don't judge the person they are speaking to. They don't judge other people. They don't judge other cultures or countries or, well, anything.
Why? Remarkably polite people realize they aren't perfect either.
9. They're masters of the art of social jiujitsu. You meet someone, talk for 30 minutes, and walk away thinking, "Wow, we just had a great conversation. She is awesome."
Of course, when you think about it later, you realize you didn't learn a thing about the other person.
Remarkably polite people are masters at social jiujitsu, the ancient art of getting you to talk about yourself without you ever knowing it happened. SJ masters are fascinated by your every career step, your every journey of personal transformation, your every clever maneuver on your climb to the top of your social ladder...
They find you fascinating--and that gives you permission to find yourself fascinating. (That's an authorization we all enjoy.)
Social jiujitsu is easy. Just ask the right questions. Stay open-ended, and allow room for description and introspection. Ask how or why or who.
As soon as you learn a little about someone, ask how she did it. Or why she did it. Or what she liked about it, or what she learned from it, or what you should do if you're in a similar situation.
And don't think you're being manipulative, because you're not. Showing a sincere interest in people isn't manipulative. It's fun--for you and for them. They get to talk about things they're passionate about, and you get to enjoy their enthusiasm and excitement and passion.
And if that's not enough, think of it this way: No one receives too much respect. Asking other people about themselves implicitly shows you respect them.
Respect is the mother of polite.
10. They never stop being polite. They don't just turn on the charm the first time you meet. They don't use it and lose it.
Remarkably polite people keep on being polite: partly because they know no other way to be, but also because they know there is no other way to be.
If you develop those traits, you won't just be likable; those traits will make people want to work with you and do business with you.
That's also why we love being around genuinely polite people. (Not fake polite--sincere polite.) They make us feel comfortable. They make us feel respected and valuable. We would love to be more like them.
And we love doing business with them.
Here's how remarkably polite people do it:
1. They always step forward. You're at a party. A friend gestures to someone several steps away and says, "Let me introduce you to Bob." Bob sees you coming.
And he stands there, waiting for you to come to him in some weird power move.
Remarkably polite people, no matter how great their perceived status, step forward, smile, tilt their head slightly downward (a sign of respect in every culture), and act as if they are the one honored by the introduction, not you.
(When I met Mark Cuban, that is exactly what he did. He heard I wanted to meet him and immediately walked across the room--where I was waiting to see if it would be OK--to say hello. The fact I remember how gracious he was tells you everything you need to know about the impression he made.)
In short, polite people never big-time you; instead, they always make you feel big time.
2. They keep using the name you used to introduce yourself. You're at an event. You introduce yourself to me as Jonathan. We talk. Within minutes, I'm calling you John. Or Johnny. Or Jack. Or the J-man.
Maybe your friends call you J-man, but we're not friends (yet), and you definitely haven't given me permission to go full diminutive on you, much less full nickname.
Remarkably polite people wait to be asked to use a different, more familiar name. They call you what you asked--or later ask--to be called because it's your right to be addressed in the way you wish to be addressed.
[close X]AdvertisementClick Here to Learn More Anything less would be uncivilized.
3. They don't touch unless they are touched first. (Handshakes excluded, of course.)
Polite people wait for the other person to establish the nonsexual touch guidelines.
While I know that sounds like no one will ever hug or pat a shoulder or forearm because no one can ever go first, don't worry. Huggers hug. Patters pat. Backslappers slap. That's what they do.
Remarkably polite people go a step further: They never pat or squeeze or slap (in a good way), even if they are patted or squeezed or slapped. Sure, they hug back, but they don't reciprocate other forms of touch.
Why? Some people don't even realize they're touching you, but they definitely notice when you touch them. That makes them feel uncomfortable, and discomfort is the last way polite people want other people to feel.
4. They never let on they know more than they should. Some people share incessantly on social media. And maybe you occasionally see what they've been up to.
But polite people don't bring those things up. They talk about sports, they talk about the weather, they talk about how The Walking Dead is a metaphor for life in corporate America, but they only talk about personal subjects the other person actually discloses in person.
Maybe it seems like the person wants everyone to know about a personal subject, but in fact that's rarely the case. So unless his or her social media broadcasts were specifically directed to you, always wait.
5. They never ignore the elephants. An acquaintance's mom died a few weeks ago. You see him, and you're not sure whether to bring it up.
Remarkably polite people always bring it up. They keep it simple, like, "I was sorry to hear about your mother. I've been thinking about you and am hoping you're doing OK."
Awkward? Absolutely not. You've expressed your condolences (which you should), and now you can both move on: Your friend is no longer wondering if and when you might mention it, and you are no longer wondering whether you should.
Where relationships are concerned, the best elephant is a dead elephant.
6. They never gossip--or listen to gossip. It's hard to resist the inside scoop. Finding out the reasons behind someone's decisions, the motivations behind someone's actions, the skinny behind someone's hidden agenda--much less whether Liam is really dating Jeannette from marketing--those conversations are hard to resist.
Remarkably polite people know gossiping about other people makes you wonder what they're saying about you. In fact, when someone starts to talk about someone else, polite people excuse themselves and walk away. They don't worry that they will lose a gossiper's respect; anyone willing to gossip doesn't respect other people anyway.
If you want to share the inside scoop, talk openly about your own thoughts or feelings--then you're not gossiping, you're being genuine. That's what polite people do. But at the same time...
7. They never speak just to share the greater glory of themselves. How can you tell? If you're talking about something just because it feels really good to share it, and there's no place for the other person to add value, you're just patting yourself on the back.
When remarkably polite people want to talk about themselves, they ask for advice--but not humblebrag advice like, "I notice you keep your car really clean; what wax do you recommend for a Porsche?"
Ask a question that shows you truly value the other person's expertise or knowledge. The person will feel good, because you implicitly show you trust his or her opinion; you actually get input you can use. Win-win.
And totally polite.
8. They never push their opinions. We all know things. Cool things. Great things.
Just make sure you share those things in the right settings. If you're a mentor, share away. If you're a coach or a leader, share away. If you're the guy who just started a paleo diet, don't tell us all what to order unless we ask.
Remarkably polite people know that what is right for them might not be right for others--and even if it is right, it is not their place to decide that for you.
Like most things in life, offering helpful advice is all about picking the right spot--and polite people know the right spot is always after you are asked.
They never judge.
They don't judge the person they are speaking to. They don't judge other people. They don't judge other cultures or countries or, well, anything.
Why? Remarkably polite people realize they aren't perfect either.
9. They're masters of the art of social jiujitsu. You meet someone, talk for 30 minutes, and walk away thinking, "Wow, we just had a great conversation. She is awesome."
Of course, when you think about it later, you realize you didn't learn a thing about the other person.
Remarkably polite people are masters at social jiujitsu, the ancient art of getting you to talk about yourself without you ever knowing it happened. SJ masters are fascinated by your every career step, your every journey of personal transformation, your every clever maneuver on your climb to the top of your social ladder...
They find you fascinating--and that gives you permission to find yourself fascinating. (That's an authorization we all enjoy.)
Social jiujitsu is easy. Just ask the right questions. Stay open-ended, and allow room for description and introspection. Ask how or why or who.
As soon as you learn a little about someone, ask how she did it. Or why she did it. Or what she liked about it, or what she learned from it, or what you should do if you're in a similar situation.
And don't think you're being manipulative, because you're not. Showing a sincere interest in people isn't manipulative. It's fun--for you and for them. They get to talk about things they're passionate about, and you get to enjoy their enthusiasm and excitement and passion.
And if that's not enough, think of it this way: No one receives too much respect. Asking other people about themselves implicitly shows you respect them.
Respect is the mother of polite.
10. They never stop being polite. They don't just turn on the charm the first time you meet. They don't use it and lose it.
Remarkably polite people keep on being polite: partly because they know no other way to be, but also because they know there is no other way to be.
7 Poisonous Beliefs That Make You Desperately Unhappy November 13, 2014
But what if you’re unhappy much of the time? In most cases the cause is not external. How happy you feel is in large part something you can control.
But not if…
You believe professional success will bring lasting fulfillment.
You can love your company but it will never love you back. (Cliché, sure, but true.) Another cliché, just as true: No person lying on his deathbed ever said, "I sure wish I had spent more time at work..."
Professional success, no matter how grand, is still fleeting.
Fulfillment comes from achieving something and knowing it will carry on: Raising great kids, being a part of a supportive extended family, knowing you have helped others and changed their lives for the better...
Work hard on business. Work just as hard on a few other things you can someday look back on with a different sense of pride.
Then you will to feel great both now and later.
You believe simply joining will create a sense of belonging.
Making connections with other people is easier than ever, and not just through social media. Joining alumni groups and professional organizations, wearing golf course polo shirts or college sweatshirts, putting a sticker with initials like “HH” on your car to announce to the world you summer at Hilton Head Island… many people try hard to show -- if only to themselves -- that they belong.
Most of those connections are superficial at best.
If your spouse passes away the alumni organization may send flowers. (Well, probably not.) If you lose your job a professional organization may send you a nifty guide to networking. (Well, probably not, but they will send you the invoice when it's time to renew your membership.) Anyone can buy, say, a University of VA sweatshirt. (It was on sale.)
The easier it is to join something the less it means to you. A true sense of belonging comes from giving, self-sacrifice, and effort.
To belong you must share a common experience — the tougher the experience, the better.
Clicking a link lets you join; staying up all night with a crew loading trailers to meet an urgent ship date lets you belong. Sending a donation gets your name in a program; working in an over-crowded soup kitchen (something, to my discredit, I've never done) lets you belong to a group of people striving to make a difference.
Pick a group you want to belong to and do the work necessary to earn respect and trust.
A true sense of belonging gives you confidence, especially during tough times, and provides a sense of security and well-being even when you're by yourself -- because when you truly belong, you never feel alone.
You believe you can do everything.
Our parents were well intentioned but wrong: We can’t be whatever we want to be. We can all achieve amazing things, but we can’t do everything we set our minds to. Genetics, disposition, and luck play a part too.
The key is to know yourself and then work to be the best you can be based on your unique set of advantages and limitations.
Here’s a non-business example. Say you decide you want to run a marathon. Fine -- with enough training almost anyone is capable. But say you're a guy who weighs a muscular 250 pounds and you want to finish in less than 2 hours and 30 minutes. That's just not going to happen; you’re not made that way and the attempt will leave you discouraged, defeated, and unhappy.
But with the right approach you could probably bench 350 pounds, something the whippet-thin marathon runners will never do.
What you achieve isn’t nearly as important as achieving something. Pick a goal you’re suited for and go after it.
Doing something -- doing anything -- that most other people cannot or will not do will make you prouder, more fulfilled, and a lot happier.
You’re afraid of who you really are.
None of us really likes how we look. So we try to hide who we really are with the right makeup and the right clothes and the occasional BMW.
In the right setting and the right lighting... hey, we’re happy.
But not at the gym. Or the beach. Or when we have to run to the grocery store but feel self-conscious because we’re wearing ratty jeans and an old t-shirt and we haven’t showered and we think everyone is staring at us.
So we spend considerable time each day avoiding any situation that makes us feel uncomfortable about how we look or act. And that makes us miserable.
In reality no one really cares how we look... except us. (And maybe our significant others, but they’ve already seen us at our worst so that particular Elvis has definitely left the building.)
So do this. Undress and stand in front of the mirror. (And don’t do the hip-turn shoulder-twist move to make your waist look slimmer and your shoulders broader.)
Take a good look. That’s who you are. Chances are you won't like what you see, but you'll probably also be surprised you don’t look as bad as you suspected.
Then, if you don’t like how you look, decide what you’re willing to do about it and start doing it. (Just don't ever compare yourself to other people; your only goal is to be a better version of the current you.)
Or, if you aren’t willing to do anything about how you look, that’s fine too. Move on. Let it go. Stop worrying about how you look. Stop wasting energy on something you don't care enough about to fix.
Either way, remember that while the only person who really cares how you look is you, many people care about the things you do.
Looking good is fun. Doing good makes you happy.
You have no one to call at 3 a.m.
Years ago I lived in a house beside a river. Flooding from a hurricane put my house in the river. I had about an hour to move as much as I could and I called my friend Doug; I knew he would come, no questions asked.
Today, aside from family, I’m not sure whom I would feel comfortable calling.
I know you have lots of friends… but how many people do you feel comfortable calling in the middle of the night if you need help? How many people can you tell almost anything… and you know they won’t laugh? How many people can you feel comfortable sitting with for a long time… without either of you speaking?
Most of us wear armor that protects us from insecurity. That armor also makes us lonely, and it’s impossible to be happy when you’re lonely.
Take off your armor and make some real friends. It’s easier than it sounds, because other people long to make real friends too. Don’t worry; they’ll like the real you. And you’ll like the real them.
And all of you will be much happier.
You believe structure is the same as control.
Most of what we do, especially professionally, is based on trying to maintain control: processes, guidelines, strategies… everything we plan and implement is designed to control the inherently uncontrollable and create a sense of security in a world filled with seemingly random occurrences. (Did I just get philosophical on you? Sorry.)
Eventually those efforts fall short, though, because structure never equals control. No matter how many guidelines we establish for ourselves, we often step outside them. (Otherwise we’d all be slim, trim, fit, and rich.) Budgets and diets and five-year plans fall apart and we get even more frustrated because we didn't achieve what we planned or hoped. To-do lists and comprehensive daily schedules are helpful, but you only make real progress towards a goal when it means something personal.
Decide what you really want to do and go after it. You'll feel a real sense of control because you really care.
And when you truly care -- about anything – you feel a lot happier.
You believe you no longer need to fail.
Most of us do everything we can to avoid failure. That's a natural instinct with an unnatural by-product: we start to lose the ability to question our decisions.
And we lose the ability to see ourselves from another person's point of view. The ability to work with and lead others is compromised when we lose perspective on what it's like to not have all the answers… and what it's like to make mistakes.
So go out and fail, but not in the way you might think. Forget platitudes like, "In business, if you aren't failing you aren't trying.” Business failures cost time and money that most of us don't have. (My guess is "Failure" doesn’t appear as a line item in your operating budget.)
Instead fail at something outside of work. Pick something simple that doesn't take long and set a reach goal you know you won't reach. If you normally run two miles, try to run five. If you play a sport, play against people a lot better than you. If you must choose a business task, cold call ten prospects.
Whatever you choose to do, give it your all. Leave no room for excuses. Make sure you can only be judged on your merits – and that you will be found wanting.
Why? Failure isn't defeating. Failure is motivating.
Plus failure provides a healthy dose of perspective, helps us be more tolerant and patient, and helps us remember that we're a lot like the people around us.
When you realize you aren't so different or "special" after all, it's a lot easier to be happy with the people around you -- and happy with yourself.
But what if you’re unhappy much of the time? In most cases the cause is not external. How happy you feel is in large part something you can control.
But not if…
You believe professional success will bring lasting fulfillment.
You can love your company but it will never love you back. (Cliché, sure, but true.) Another cliché, just as true: No person lying on his deathbed ever said, "I sure wish I had spent more time at work..."
Professional success, no matter how grand, is still fleeting.
Fulfillment comes from achieving something and knowing it will carry on: Raising great kids, being a part of a supportive extended family, knowing you have helped others and changed their lives for the better...
Work hard on business. Work just as hard on a few other things you can someday look back on with a different sense of pride.
Then you will to feel great both now and later.
You believe simply joining will create a sense of belonging.
Making connections with other people is easier than ever, and not just through social media. Joining alumni groups and professional organizations, wearing golf course polo shirts or college sweatshirts, putting a sticker with initials like “HH” on your car to announce to the world you summer at Hilton Head Island… many people try hard to show -- if only to themselves -- that they belong.
Most of those connections are superficial at best.
If your spouse passes away the alumni organization may send flowers. (Well, probably not.) If you lose your job a professional organization may send you a nifty guide to networking. (Well, probably not, but they will send you the invoice when it's time to renew your membership.) Anyone can buy, say, a University of VA sweatshirt. (It was on sale.)
The easier it is to join something the less it means to you. A true sense of belonging comes from giving, self-sacrifice, and effort.
To belong you must share a common experience — the tougher the experience, the better.
Clicking a link lets you join; staying up all night with a crew loading trailers to meet an urgent ship date lets you belong. Sending a donation gets your name in a program; working in an over-crowded soup kitchen (something, to my discredit, I've never done) lets you belong to a group of people striving to make a difference.
Pick a group you want to belong to and do the work necessary to earn respect and trust.
A true sense of belonging gives you confidence, especially during tough times, and provides a sense of security and well-being even when you're by yourself -- because when you truly belong, you never feel alone.
You believe you can do everything.
Our parents were well intentioned but wrong: We can’t be whatever we want to be. We can all achieve amazing things, but we can’t do everything we set our minds to. Genetics, disposition, and luck play a part too.
The key is to know yourself and then work to be the best you can be based on your unique set of advantages and limitations.
Here’s a non-business example. Say you decide you want to run a marathon. Fine -- with enough training almost anyone is capable. But say you're a guy who weighs a muscular 250 pounds and you want to finish in less than 2 hours and 30 minutes. That's just not going to happen; you’re not made that way and the attempt will leave you discouraged, defeated, and unhappy.
But with the right approach you could probably bench 350 pounds, something the whippet-thin marathon runners will never do.
What you achieve isn’t nearly as important as achieving something. Pick a goal you’re suited for and go after it.
Doing something -- doing anything -- that most other people cannot or will not do will make you prouder, more fulfilled, and a lot happier.
You’re afraid of who you really are.
None of us really likes how we look. So we try to hide who we really are with the right makeup and the right clothes and the occasional BMW.
In the right setting and the right lighting... hey, we’re happy.
But not at the gym. Or the beach. Or when we have to run to the grocery store but feel self-conscious because we’re wearing ratty jeans and an old t-shirt and we haven’t showered and we think everyone is staring at us.
So we spend considerable time each day avoiding any situation that makes us feel uncomfortable about how we look or act. And that makes us miserable.
In reality no one really cares how we look... except us. (And maybe our significant others, but they’ve already seen us at our worst so that particular Elvis has definitely left the building.)
So do this. Undress and stand in front of the mirror. (And don’t do the hip-turn shoulder-twist move to make your waist look slimmer and your shoulders broader.)
Take a good look. That’s who you are. Chances are you won't like what you see, but you'll probably also be surprised you don’t look as bad as you suspected.
Then, if you don’t like how you look, decide what you’re willing to do about it and start doing it. (Just don't ever compare yourself to other people; your only goal is to be a better version of the current you.)
Or, if you aren’t willing to do anything about how you look, that’s fine too. Move on. Let it go. Stop worrying about how you look. Stop wasting energy on something you don't care enough about to fix.
Either way, remember that while the only person who really cares how you look is you, many people care about the things you do.
Looking good is fun. Doing good makes you happy.
You have no one to call at 3 a.m.
Years ago I lived in a house beside a river. Flooding from a hurricane put my house in the river. I had about an hour to move as much as I could and I called my friend Doug; I knew he would come, no questions asked.
Today, aside from family, I’m not sure whom I would feel comfortable calling.
I know you have lots of friends… but how many people do you feel comfortable calling in the middle of the night if you need help? How many people can you tell almost anything… and you know they won’t laugh? How many people can you feel comfortable sitting with for a long time… without either of you speaking?
Most of us wear armor that protects us from insecurity. That armor also makes us lonely, and it’s impossible to be happy when you’re lonely.
Take off your armor and make some real friends. It’s easier than it sounds, because other people long to make real friends too. Don’t worry; they’ll like the real you. And you’ll like the real them.
And all of you will be much happier.
You believe structure is the same as control.
Most of what we do, especially professionally, is based on trying to maintain control: processes, guidelines, strategies… everything we plan and implement is designed to control the inherently uncontrollable and create a sense of security in a world filled with seemingly random occurrences. (Did I just get philosophical on you? Sorry.)
Eventually those efforts fall short, though, because structure never equals control. No matter how many guidelines we establish for ourselves, we often step outside them. (Otherwise we’d all be slim, trim, fit, and rich.) Budgets and diets and five-year plans fall apart and we get even more frustrated because we didn't achieve what we planned or hoped. To-do lists and comprehensive daily schedules are helpful, but you only make real progress towards a goal when it means something personal.
Decide what you really want to do and go after it. You'll feel a real sense of control because you really care.
And when you truly care -- about anything – you feel a lot happier.
You believe you no longer need to fail.
Most of us do everything we can to avoid failure. That's a natural instinct with an unnatural by-product: we start to lose the ability to question our decisions.
And we lose the ability to see ourselves from another person's point of view. The ability to work with and lead others is compromised when we lose perspective on what it's like to not have all the answers… and what it's like to make mistakes.
So go out and fail, but not in the way you might think. Forget platitudes like, "In business, if you aren't failing you aren't trying.” Business failures cost time and money that most of us don't have. (My guess is "Failure" doesn’t appear as a line item in your operating budget.)
Instead fail at something outside of work. Pick something simple that doesn't take long and set a reach goal you know you won't reach. If you normally run two miles, try to run five. If you play a sport, play against people a lot better than you. If you must choose a business task, cold call ten prospects.
Whatever you choose to do, give it your all. Leave no room for excuses. Make sure you can only be judged on your merits – and that you will be found wanting.
Why? Failure isn't defeating. Failure is motivating.
Plus failure provides a healthy dose of perspective, helps us be more tolerant and patient, and helps us remember that we're a lot like the people around us.
When you realize you aren't so different or "special" after all, it's a lot easier to be happy with the people around you -- and happy with yourself.